Joel A Levy

Joel A Levy

Becoming a Black Belt in Life

Posts Tagged Anger Management

Teach yourself to respond rather than react

Jun 17

Posted by Joel Levy in Anger Management | 4 Comments

“When angry, count to ten before you speak; if very angry, a hundred.”
Thomas Jefferson

A simple anger management technique.

Often times when a stressful situation occurs, we react to it in the heat of the moment. It is natural to become tense or stressed or angry as a response to something or someone that upsets us.

We have all heard that it is helpful to count to ten when we feel our emotions rising, and it is actually pretty good advice – but why?

Think of it like this. By delaying your emotional response you are exercising a modicum of control over your emotional state. You are not saying “I am not human, and I don’t get angry.” You are saying, “Ok, I’m going to get angry, but not this very second.” And in consciously controlling your present emotional state you actually do manage to calm down a little bit, so your emotional response will not be as strong as it might have been. And if the emotion flares up again you can again consciously choose to delay a reaction. In addition, the more you practice controlling your emotional state, the more in control of it you will be.

That is how you teach yourself to respond rather than react. It is sort of like letting a bowl of very hot soup sit for a minute or two before eating it so you don’t burn yourself. Think of how many times you have ‘burned yourself’ and regretted an emotional outburst and wished you had waited until you were calm to intelligently respond.

The next time you feel you want to blow up, ask yourself if that is what you really want to do. Then say, ok I may feel angry or tense, but I am going to walk away from this right now and address it in a little while. Give yourself a little time to relax. Take a walk, or do some pushups, or find something else that works for you. You may find yourself handling life’s pressures much more smoothly.

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What Energy Do You Project?

Jan 15

Posted by Joel Levy in Anger Management, Personal Growth | 1 Comment

Most people have no idea that they are giving off a certain energy frequency all of the time. Not only that, but most people are too busy or distracted to be aware of what type of energy they give off. The fact is that regardless of whether you are aware of it or not, you are projecting energy into the universe at all times.

Don’t think of this as cosmic and far out there – think immediate circumstances and social circles. Have you ever been drawn to a person, or instantly like a person, and don’t even know why? Have you ever gotten creepy vibes from a person, without even knowing them? In both cases, the energy which they subconsciously project either attracts or repels you on an organic level.

We tend to attract to ourselves people and circumstances that are similar to the type of energy that we carry and project. That is what we mean when we say that someone is on the same wavelength as us. It is more real than most of us realize. What’s more is that every thought we have, and word we speak, and everything we do contributes to the energy frequency that we project. When we say that “birds of a feather flock together”, we could easily understand ‘feather’ to mean ‘energy’.

You can even feel the energy in a room. In the same building, different rooms will feel different depending on who is in them. It might also depend on what’s going on. Ever walk into a room where two people have been arguing, but saw you coming, and put it on temporary pause? The energy is still in the air and you can feel it. You walk in and immediately recognize that you have interrupted something.

As people, we also radiate a different energy depending on their circumstances. There is one energy while at a ball game, and another while doing deep breathing exercises, and yet another if you are at a funeral.

Some people are naturally more volatile than others, and others more even tempered, but everybody has a range. Many times people come into my kickboxing classes either stressed out, or sluggish, or in a negative state of mind. By the end of class, however, they are centered, positive and peaceful. Why is this? To begin with, they have channeled that negative energy by pounding it out and kicking it out on the bags. They have received a release of endorphins – the body’s natural happy medicine – into their systems, from the interval type of training that we do. Finally, at the end of class they have done some deep breathing, or a guided visualization, and received a positive message, while their body is drained of bad energy, replaced by positive energy, and their mind is calm and focused.

You are always communicating with your surroundings by the energy you project. That is why some people are social magnets and others are the opposite. One person is projecting ease and confidence, and the other is projecting tension and instability.

The most important thing to realize is that you can consciously change the energy you project by thinking different thoughts. Start to be aware of what you are feeling inside of you, and how that comes across to others. Now take a deep breath, and let it out slowly, while thinking, “I wish peace on everybody.” It might sound corny, but see what that does to your inner state. Not only will it instantly reduce your stress level, but it will also cause those near you to relax, and attract different types of people and circumstances to your life. If you walk around angry and stressed, you will get more of the same back. You will be a dark cloud in the lives of the people around you. If instead, you take a second to breathe, and focus on being peaceful and focused, it will not only change your life dramatically, but also the lives of those in your world.

Whether or not you are conscious of it, you are constantly sending out energy, which like a boomerang comes back to you manifested in the people and circumstances of your life. This is a guarantee, and is encapsulated in the age old saying, “what goes around comes around.” If you want to improve the quality of your life, choose your energy for yourself, and watch your inner world and your outer world change accordingly.

Photo: makelessnoise

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Get Angry or Get Busy; Your Choice

Sep 29

Posted by Joel Levy in Anger Management | 2 Comments

This morning I had a choice.  I could get really angry and go into the whole screaming, blaming and cursing routine.  Or I could just take action to make things better.  Such a simple formula, but still the most effective route.

Here’s what happened.  My parents were in for a visit.  It was morning, and my father was sitting at our breakfast counter.  Since I was close to the fridge on the other side, he asked me for some orange juice.  I took the juice out of the fridge and poured some in a glass.  So far so good.

Now you are thinking, “I bet he spills the OJ.” Good thinking, but that would be too easy.

I walk over to the breakfast counter and place the juice on the mat in front of my father, and quite frankly I was feeling pretty gratified at this point.

As I go to walk away, I turn and feel my elbow hit something.  It would help to point out that I am completely blind in my left eye, and had not scanned to my left before turning.

Let’s back up.  After dropping my kids off at school, I thought, “I should really get to the gym right now before the day get’s rolling.” Then I thought, “Well, my folks are in town, my wife is home, why don’t we all have a morning together, including coffee and conversation at and around my kitchen and breakfast bar.  That would be nice.”  Positive thought number one.

At some point this morning, my wife decided, “Why don’t I make a protein shake with all natural ingredients, and leave some for our high school age daughter for when she gets back later tonight?”  Positive thought number two.

I didn’t go to the gym, so now I’m home, and just finished giving my father some OJ.  I turn, and my elbow hits the blender filled with a fresh batch of chocolate, peanut butter, and protein stuff, which is still on the lower counter.  As I continue to turn, the falling blender comes into the field of vision of my right eye, out of which I can see  just fine.  I utter a sharp expletive, and the whole thing comes crashing down on my tile floor, between the center kitchen island and the dishwasher, splattering glass and brown muck everywhere.  Thick glass too.

Immediately, my father feels bad, because he says he should have gotten his own juice.  I feel bad because I didn’t look before I turned.  My wife feels bad, because she had in mind to leave the protein shake for our daughter.

Now I’m thinking, I should have gone to the gym.  My wife is likely thinking she should not have left the blender on the counter, or that her husband is a moron.  I already know what my father is thinking, because he said it.

Momentary pause to assess the situation and how everybody is feeling.  Then what happened was amazing.  Reality: nobody got hurt; no glass in my good eye; we have more ingredients for a new shake; my parents now know what to get us as a holiday gift (Jewish New Year); and we have everything we need in the house to clean up the mess.  Everybody recognized these things, and began to verbalize them at the same time.

Action taken?  Group effort.  Paper towels, careful fingers and shoes on for the initial mess.  Then out comes the Dyson.  Floor attachment found.  Shark steam cleaner put to work.  Kitchen spray followed by wood polish.  Everything stays out until inspection  by my wife, the Chief Commanding Officer of all things kitchen (she loves her kitchen, and cooking is her hobby; not a macho thing).  Final polishing and finishing completed to satisfaction.  A job well done.

We could have all gotten angry and started shouting and blaming each other.  We didn’t.  We worked together and cleaned up a mess.  We all felt accomplished at the end.

All the while, I am thinking, “What good could come of this?”  Here is a short list.

  • the kitchen floor, including under the cabinets,  got a good cleaning
  • working together gave us a sense of unified purpose
  • I learned where certain cleaning products are in the house, and what to do with them
  • I realized that cleaning can be very meditative and therapeutic
  • the whole event gave me something to write about this morning
  • the incident further anchored the concepts that there is good in everything, and that getting angry is a choice; and usually a bad one
  • stuff can be replaced; good health and well being is far more important

Moral of the story?  You know.  Get angry or get busy.  The choice is entirely yours.

Photos: ra41 and G & A Sattler

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Punch out your issues on a bag or some mitts; not on each other!

Sep 22

Posted by Joel Levy in Anger Management, Martial Arts | 4 Comments

Edward G. Robinson III, a Staff Writer for The News & Observer, wrote an article (pdf) entitled “Boxing helps youths fight off frustrations” that illustrates how many lives have been improved by this principle.

It has long been known that sports like boxing, kickboxing and martial arts help people develop not only supreme physical fitness, but also channel anger and stress into a positive, often life changing activity.

While some psychologists may look down upon any type of hitting for stress relief, the fact remains that millions of people have been able to get out their stress, frustration, and anger by pounding it out in a controlled, non-competitive environment.

Growing up, I had tons of anger issues. The one thing that always made me feel better was going into my basement and pounding the heavy bag that my father had bought me for just that purpose. Not only did the act of making contact seem to magically take stress away, it also made me tired. The more tired I became, the more my angry energy disappeared, and the better I felt. Many sane people have had a similar experience.

Today, as the owner of a successful martial arts school, where we teach kickboxing and self-defense, I get countless notes, letters, and testimonials from my adult students, and the parents of younger students who tell me how training at my school has changed their (child’s) life. It has taught them respect, responsibility, and self-discipline. It has gotten them into phenomenal shape. And, yes, they have also been able to channel and release pent up frustration and even rage. It is safe, non-judgmental, and nobody gets hurt. Best of all, it works. Students report that they feel calmer, yet energized and effective. They tell me that what gets them through the day is knowing that when they get to their class, they can let it all go on the targets and bags.

It seems to be a perfect example of what Dr. Hans Selye called a “Gross Physical Impact Activity.” That is where making contact of some kind relieves anger. He says that the anger actually gets transferred from your body into the object with which you are making contact. He states that anger can be channeled through four outlets: hand, feet, teeth, and voice. In other words, punching, kicking, screaming, and biting all relieve stress, frustration and anger. That would explain a lot of bad behaviors displayed by both children and adults when they do not have a healthier outlet for their emotions.

Boxing and kickboxing both involve hitting and yelling. Like the karate kiyai, participants emit a short, sharp shout upon contact with the different punching bags and kicking shields. The combination of being allowed to hit in a way that is safe for everyone, with the stress busting shouts, along with the awesome workout this process provides, creates a truly unique way to relieve the pressures of everyday life. I believe this is why so many people enjoy and participate in these activities.

When taught by a true master, the primary purpose for this type of training is personal development, both physically and mentally. When done right, a person in such an environment can utilize the energy initially derived from stress, anger or frustration to fuel an awesome body shaping workout, which also develops self-esteem and self-respect. Now that is an awesome transformation.

Photo: kate.gardiner

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