Archive for category Teen Safety

Suicide and Choice

People Magazine - Phoebe Prince bullied to death?On Monday morning I was in the West Palm Beach airport, heading back to New Jersey, returning from a family gathering. To pass the time I was in one of the gift shops with my kids, and noticed the People magazine issue with Phoebe Prince on the front.

If you are not familiar with the story she is the South Hadley High School teen who killed herself after being victimized, hazed, bullied, and allegedly raped, by her fellow students. She was an attractive, bubbly 15 year old, who was a new student in the school, and had recently come over to the U.S. from Ireland. She was found hanging in the stairwell of her apartment by her 12 year old sister. I hate to be so graphic, but the fact of the matter is that many lives were permanently altered due to this tragic incident.

The cover story caught my eye, and I bought the magazine. In reading the story, all I could think of was how differently different individuals react to the same stimulus. Where one person cowers, the other stands up for themselves. As a young person, I was very small (103 pounds my sophomore year of high school), and of course faced my share of bullying. Through my training in the martial arts, I developed a certain level of self confidence, and learned to stand up for myself.

To be honest, I can’t imagine how my life would be had I not been training in the martial arts for so many years. It also occurred to me how differently Phoebe’s life, and the life of her family might also be had she developed the self-confidence to stand up for herself, or at least interpret the actions of her classmates in a different way. I don’t mean to sound like a Monday morning quarterback, but as a parent, it is hard not to be sickened over such an incident, and replay it in one’s mind.

In nature, animals attack weakness, or perceived weakness. High school is not much different. Kids attack what they view as weakness, and the more the victim reinforces that weakness the more attacks will follow. I am not suggesting shooting down the school, as in Columbine – that is also not real strength. I am suggesting developing real self-esteem, and real self-confidence in a supportive environment. My philosophy is that whoever cares less in an argument wins. The bigger your reaction to a slight or an insult, the weaker you appear, and the more you entertain your attacker. The less an insult means to you, the less power you give your insulter.

While we cannot change the past, we can learn from it, and improve the future. My suggestion to anyone reading is that you focus on your own self-improvement, and on contributing something of value to the lives of others. Each of us is here for a purpose. I don’t know what that purpose is for everyone, and many don’t know what it is for themselves. That doesn’t mean we stop looking for it, or that it can’t change several times in a person’s life. The point is, when you are focused on your life’s work, what others say or think of you is less significant, than what you know you are accomplishing with your time in this planet. One thing we can do is give meaning to Phoebe Prince’s life, and her death, by choosing to be empowered in our own lives.

My mission is to become a “black belt in life”, and to help others to do the same. I encourage people to choose activities (like martial arts) that are empowering, and that help you face the daily pressures of life with energy, enthusiasm, and confidence. There are always going to be mean people out there, but you don’t have to let them dictate the way you live your life. Focus on your own walk and your own growth. The way people behave towards you is more a reflection of them than you. Remember, you can’t change other people, but you can change yourself. When you do, the way people react to you will change as well.

It has been said many times, but never more appropriately than here: In life it is not so much what happens to you, but how you respond to it that counts. I might add a thought I read in Victor Frankl’s ‘Man’s Search for Meaning’; (paraphrasing) the one dignity that can never be taken from you is your ability to choose how you will respond to the circumstances that surround you, and to assign meaning to the events of your life. It is entirely up to you to assign a meaning that is empowering, and not debilitating.

I would love to hear from you.

Photo: People Magazine

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Who’s In Charge of Your Children?

This article by Joel Levy was published in the The Highland Park Mirror.

high school girls soccerSo I’m on the bus ride back from our soccer game up in Paramus.  It happens that I am coaching my daughter’s high school soccer team, and we have an away game.  We lose the game, but that is another story.  The van ride up to the game is pretty uneventful, with the usual chatter of high school girls and the sounds of teenagers singing along to the radio.  I am in the front seat next to the driver, writing out plays for the game, and the list of starters and subs for each position.

As we arrive, the driver is asking me how long the game will be and what time I think he needs to be back for us.  Something about the way he was asking had me concerned, but I brushed it off as we needed to get into the gym to play our game.

We all pile into the van to go home at the end of the night’s activity, and the van driver is unusually quiet.  He doesn’t move until I tell him, “Hey, let’s go”.  Right away, I sense he is not the same as when he drove us up to the game.  He nearly misses our exit for Rt. 17 South, and swerves wildly to get on it, just a little too much for my comfort.

speedNext thing I know, he is flying down the parkway south at dangerously high speeds, in the far left lane, cutting over to get around people in the center lanes who are driving closer to the speed limit.  At first I tell myself, “He got us here just fine, don’t be paranoid…”  Then I notice he is barely able to stay in the lane he is in, causing cars to the right of us to swerve out of his way as he repeatedly cuts partially into their lane.

Now I’m starting to burn.  I’m thinking, not only is my kid in this van, but you’ve got a van full of other people’s kids, and you have a responsibility to get them home safely.  You just don’t have the right to drive that way with someone else’s kid(s) in the vehicle.  Let alone you own kids, or an adult passenger, for that matter.  I tell him, “Hey, slow down, we all want to live you know!?”  He just chuckles and keeps on driving.

Now I’m thinking, ok, I wonder if I can knock him unconscious and throw him out of the vehicle, and take control of the van without the kids noticing.  That’s when I realize I have watched way too many action movies!  Meantime, I am texting the head of the school, giving him a play by play of the dangerous behavior of the driver.  Finally, when the lanes on the Parkway merge, and traffic slows down almost to a stop, he is barreling straight for the car in front of us at high speed.

There is no doubt in my mind that we are about to have a serious accident.  I quickly turn off the radio, and scream at him, “SLOW DOWN!!!” The shock of this causes him to slow down just in time to not smash into the line of cars in front of us, which are now at a stop.  Then I unleash a verbal assault on him, about the way he is driving the van.  He looks at me, and I look at him back as if to say, “I dare you!”  I’m not trying to be macho here, but he has the lives of my team in his hand, and I am definitely a protective poppa bear.

I continue to text the school director, who has someone call the driver.  After the call, the driver is going s-u-p-e-r- s-l-o-w on purpose, just to make a point.  I don’t care at this point, as long as we get back safely.

All I can think is that if I were not on the van, there is a very good chance they would have had a very bad accident.  I ask the girls, if they have ever had this driver before, and I can’t believe what they said.  They said, “It’s a good thing you yelled at him when you did, because we were terrified.”  They continue to tell me, “You don’t understand, coach, they all drive like that.”  I say, “Who all drives like that?”  They say, “All the van drivers.”

WHAT?!!!  Not if I have something to say about it, and I most definitely do!

big brotherParents, please talk you your kids.  Ask them about their day.  Ask them about the bus driver.  Ask them about everything.  Ninety nine percent of the time, you have nothing to worry about.  But, believe me; people will behave much more responsibly when they know you are checking up on them.

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The Difference Between Self-Escape and Self-Defense

This article by Joel Levy was published in the February 8, 2009 issue of The Highland Park Mirror.

On the SAFE Side

Most martial arts schools, my own included, teach some form of self defense. Some teach more practical methods than others, but what always struck me as interesting is how rarely the schools teach what to do to avoid needing self-defense in the first place.

Don’t get me wrong. Responsible instructors will always tell their students something along the lines of, “Common sense before self defense.” But few really use a systematic method based on true research and statistics, to teach kids, teens, and adults how to live a safer and more aware lifestyle on a daily basis.

In my own search for answers to these questions years ago, I came across some hard-core bodyguard training. Like many others, I thought bodyguards were just big scary guys that beat people up. And I did meet some that were ‘monsters’ — at least on the outside — but I also met others that were maybe 5’3” and 120 pounds.

I also discovered that a good number of them were women, and for good reason. Imagine a female celebrity such as Beyonce wanting to go into Victoria’s Secret . . . . or even just needing the ladies’ room. She certainly doesn’t want a male bodyguard shadowing her during her more personal moments.

What I learned is that Executive Protection Agents (what true bodyguards are called), far from being punch-drunk goons, are highly intelligent, well-trained, and methodical professionals.

The biggest part of this job is what is called Advance Work: gathering as much advance information about everything from potential threats, to the client’s food preferences, to medical needs or conditions. The better the ‘advance’ is, the better the job goes, and the more potentially bad situations are avoided in the first place.

As a professional and lifelong martial artist, I took it upon myself to study and train with these agents. That included learning advance work, handling a motorcade, receiving lines, third party protection, and many other skills. Fighting skills per se were not as much of a focus.

At our Family Martial Arts Academy, in addition to the regular Martial Arts curriculum, we also teach a variety of self-escape and personal safety courses as well. As I see it, knowing you can take it to a higher level if necessary gives you the confidence to use the lower level skills first. You won’t panic in a situation if you know you can handle it if it goes bad.

At the same time, a calm confidence will help you to think clearly in order to spot potential danger, and use your self-escape tools to avoid it. Without true training in the lower level skills, there is a danger that you go straight to the higher level skills first, which may not be the appropriate response.

Self escape training is fun, and gives people the confidence of knowing what to do in the majority of circumstances that require some action. This is especially true if it is based on honest Bodyguard or Executive Protection skills, tactics, and training, because getting to safety and avoiding trouble is paramount.

You may ask, “What about the small percentage of the time when something more than self-escape is required?” That is where the confidence in your martial arts skills is essential.

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