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On Monday morning I was in the West Palm Beach airport, heading back to New Jersey, returning from a family gathering. To pass the time I was in one of the gift shops with my kids, and noticed the People magazine issue with Phoebe Prince on the front.
If you are not familiar with the story she is the South Hadley High School teen who killed herself after being victimized, hazed, bullied, and allegedly raped, by her fellow students. She was an attractive, bubbly 15 year old, who was a new student in the school, and had recently come over to the U.S. from Ireland. She was found hanging in the stairwell of her apartment by her 12 year old sister. I hate to be so graphic, but the fact of the matter is that many lives were permanently altered due to this tragic incident.
The cover story caught my eye, and I bought the magazine. In reading the story, all I could think of was how differently different individuals react to the same stimulus. Where one person cowers, the other stands up for themselves. As a young person, I was very small (103 pounds my sophomore year of high school), and of course faced my share of bullying. Through my training in the martial arts, I developed a certain level of self confidence, and learned to stand up for myself.
To be honest, I can’t imagine how my life would be had I not been training in the martial arts for so many years. It also occurred to me how differently Phoebe’s life, and the life of her family might also be had she developed the self-confidence to stand up for herself, or at least interpret the actions of her classmates in a different way. I don’t mean to sound like a Monday morning quarterback, but as a parent, it is hard not to be sickened over such an incident, and replay it in one’s mind.
In nature, animals attack weakness, or perceived weakness. High school is not much different. Kids attack what they view as weakness, and the more the victim reinforces that weakness the more attacks will follow. I am not suggesting shooting down the school, as in Columbine – that is also not real strength. I am suggesting developing real self-esteem, and real self-confidence in a supportive environment. My philosophy is that whoever cares less in an argument wins. The bigger your reaction to a slight or an insult, the weaker you appear, and the more you entertain your attacker. The less an insult means to you, the less power you give your insulter.
While we cannot change the past, we can learn from it, and improve the future. My suggestion to anyone reading is that you focus on your own self-improvement, and on contributing something of value to the lives of others. Each of us is here for a purpose. I don’t know what that purpose is for everyone, and many don’t know what it is for themselves. That doesn’t mean we stop looking for it, or that it can’t change several times in a person’s life. The point is, when you are focused on your life’s work, what others say or think of you is less significant, than what you know you are accomplishing with your time in this planet. One thing we can do is give meaning to Phoebe Prince’s life, and her death, by choosing to be empowered in our own lives.
My mission is to become a “black belt in life”, and to help others to do the same. I encourage people to choose activities (like martial arts) that are empowering, and that help you face the daily pressures of life with energy, enthusiasm, and confidence. There are always going to be mean people out there, but you don’t have to let them dictate the way you live your life. Focus on your own walk and your own growth. The way people behave towards you is more a reflection of them than you. Remember, you can’t change other people, but you can change yourself. When you do, the way people react to you will change as well.
It has been said many times, but never more appropriately than here: In life it is not so much what happens to you, but how you respond to it that counts. I might add a thought I read in Victor Frankl’s ‘Man’s Search for Meaning’; (paraphrasing) the one dignity that can never be taken from you is your ability to choose how you will respond to the circumstances that surround you, and to assign meaning to the events of your life. It is entirely up to you to assign a meaning that is empowering, and not debilitating.
I would love to hear from you.
Photo: People Magazine
So I’m on the bus ride back from our soccer game up in Paramus. It happens that I am coaching my daughter’s high school soccer team, and we have an away game. We lose the game, but that is another story. The van ride up to the game is pretty uneventful, with the usual chatter of high school girls and the sounds of teenagers singing along to the radio. I am in the front seat next to the driver, writing out plays for the game, and the list of starters and subs for each position.
Next thing I know, he is flying down the parkway south at dangerously high speeds, in the far left lane, cutting over to get around people in the center lanes who are driving closer to the speed limit. At first I tell myself, “He got us here just fine, don’t be paranoid…” Then I notice he is barely able to stay in the lane he is in, causing cars to the right of us to swerve out of his way as he repeatedly cuts partially into their lane.
Parents, please talk you your kids. Ask them about their day. Ask them about the bus driver. Ask them about everything. Ninety nine percent of the time, you have nothing to worry about. But, believe me; people will behave much more responsibly when they know you are checking up on them.
In my own search for answers to these questions years ago, I came across some hard-core bodyguard training. Like many others, I thought bodyguards were just big scary guys that beat people up. And I did meet some that were ‘monsters’ — at least on the outside — but I also met others that were maybe 5’3” and 120 pounds.